Easter Special—Big Scary Bible Stories

I'll have a deviled egg and a side of nightmares...

The Crucifixion of Jesus


The Crucifixion by Simon Vouet (1622)

For crying out loud, talk about a morbid, scary, violent tale of misery.  Arrested and flogged, then mocked and forced to wear a crown of thorns while dragging his own heavy patibulum (crossbeam).  Then, nailed through the wrists and feet and put on public display to die a slow, painful, agonizing death.  The bad guys won.  Not a happy story, folks.  This was, without a doubt, the scariest bible story I have ever heard.

However, that part of the story was a lot more believable than the part that followed, which is supposed to be the whole point of the story.


The Prophet Elijah


Uncredited from Wikipedia Images


Good grief, where do I start?  For one thing, the strong, powerful woman in this story does not come out smelling like a rose, that's for sure.  Not so good for the Queen of Israel, Jezebel, who ended up being thrown out of a palace window and devoured by stray dogs.

Sounds like Elijah was the first man to have a personality conflict with the boss's wife.  This is not a happy ending, at least not for Jezebel.  Thanks a lot for that Nightmare on Elm Street prophecy, Elijah.

At the first opportunity, he orders the murder of 450 pagan priests.  Wait, wasn't he a prophet of God, and wouldn't he, more than most people, have known that mass murder was against the rules?  Y'know, like the ones that were carved out of stone by the fiery hand of God himself?  Like the sixth one, in particular...

I guess, if you can summon fire from the sky, create oil and meal (ew), and restore life to children, you've got enough pull with the Almighty to get away with smiting 450 idol-worshipping priests.  Lillith, Adam's first wife who left him because she got tired of his eternal bullshit, had a nasty run-in with him, too.  Lesson learned, man.  Do not cross Elijah!


The Ten Plagues of Egypt


The Plague of Hail and Fire by John Martin (1823)

This story is almost too over the top, even for a Bible story.  First, God gives Moses unlimited magical powers.  Unlimited power never has a happy ending.  In order to beat down Pharaoh, Moses starts by turning the Nile into a river of blood.  Oh, man...that is just horrifying.

If that weren't enough, he sends a plague of frogs hurtling out of the blood river, then lice, then fleas, then biting fleas, then a pestilence that kills all of the Egyptian livestock.  He follows it up with boils and sores, hail mixed with fire, then throws in some locusts, for good measure.

And, the final beat down...mass infanticide.  Moses kills off the firstborn male child in every Egyptian household.  As a firstborn female child with a male name, this scared the beejezus out of me, plus I thought it was pretty unfair to the kids.


I don't know why Easter and Passover have to be like an overnight stay at the Bates Motel...  
Well, they don't.  Not for me, anyway.


Easter has always been a season of 
joy and renewal.  

It has always been about new life and daffodils.
About jelly beans and foil-covered chocolate eggs.
 
About Easter baskets, baby bunnies, and the soft, peeping of hoppy little chicks...

It's about Fred Astaire and Ann Miller's perfect grace  
in Easter Parade.




Have a Wonderful Happy Easter!




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